5.29 Parenting Challenges with Dr. Lindsay Emmerson

No matter what stage of parenting you're in, parenting is challenging. 

Today on the denmother podcast, Dr. Lindsay Emmerson joins us to share tips and insight into every childhood stage of difficulty from toddler tantrums to teenage drama. 

Dr. Lindsay Emmerson is a clinical psychologist who built Parenting With Psychology from a traditional therapy practice into a thriving online business supporting thousands of parents worldwide. After years as a therapist, researcher, and college professor, she created the Better Behavior Blueprint and her signature 5 C's parenting framework—a complete system that transforms overwhelmed parents into what she calls "amazing parents." Through her Amazing Parents Club membership, Dr. Lindsay helps parents replace yelling with confidence and cooperation in real-life family moments. She’s also a mom of four.

You can find Dr. Emmerson on TikTok, LinkedIn, Instagram, YouTube and Facebook. 

Or learn more about her at DrLindsayEmmerson.com and grab your copy of her FREE downloadable resource here.  

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:01

I'm Kitty Aki. I'm a mom of three, and I'm a good mom, but I'm always learning and growing, and I bet you are too. So join me on my mission to learn from moms from all walks of life because let's be honest, momming is way more fun when we do it together. Welcome to the Dead Mother Podcast. Hi everyone, welcome to another episode of the Dead Mother Podcast. I'm your host, Kitty Akee, and I'm hoping today's episode will be a helpful one. We have a woman on here that's going to help us with all the parenting challenges. I know that's a little daunting. But let me read her bio and then we'll get right into it. Dr. Lindsay Emerson is a clinical psychologist who built parenting with psychology from a traditional therapy practice into a thriving online business supporting thousands of parents worldwide. After years as a therapist, researcher, and college professor, she created the Better Behavior Blueprint and her signature 5Cs parenting framework, a complete system that transforms overwhelmed parents into what she calls amazing parents. Through her Amazing Parents Club membership, Dr. Lindsay helps parents replace yelling with confidence and cooperation in real life family moments. Oh yeah. And she's also a mom of four. Hi, Dr. Emerson.

SPEAKER_00 1:20

How are you? Hi, thanks so much for having me. I'm really excited to be here.

SPEAKER_01 1:25

Me too. I'm excited to dive into all of it. I know we probably I laughed because we can't cover all of it in one hour, but every stage of parenting comes with new challenges. So before we get into that, I just want to ask you when you became a mom, what was the transition like for you? Did you go in like, I'm a psychologist, I know what I'm doing, or how was it for you when you became a mom?

SPEAKER_00 1:51

That's a great question. Um, so well, let me backtrack. So I really wanted to become a mom. And I that was always in my career and personal life trajectory. And so I went straight from college to grad school, got my PhD, immediately started my postdoc, got license. And basically, um, just two months before, uh, actually, not even that, really like two weeks before finishing up teaching a college class and having just gotten my license, I had my first child and intentionally uh became a stay-at-home mom. So I spent 14 years being a stay-at-home mom after that and raised four children and loved the experience, obviously filled with many challenges, but but wonderful and very much what I wanted to do. Um, and so I went in, I think, pretty eyes wide open on what parenthood would be like. And I knew that my psychology background would help, but that it wouldn't give me all the answer.

SPEAKER_01 2:51

That's good. I think it's always good when you go in knowing, like, okay, this could shake me a little bit. People who go in who are like, I'm gonna do this and I'm gonna do this, and my baby's gonna do this. You're like, uh-oh, this is not gonna go well if you're so like held fast to a um a plan. So tell me, how did what was the evolution of your trajectory into using psychology to help parents?

SPEAKER_00 3:16

Yeah, so I never saw myself being a parent coach. That was just never something that an idea that even popped in my head. I don't think I didn't really knew it was the thing because I was sort of groomed in an academic um program training you to one day become a professor and do research and do clinical work in the context of research. So very different. And so I always thought I would go back at some point into that area. And um, in fact, my prior to having kids, my focus within my career was actually on a very different type of population. And I was working with individuals with severe mental illness and primarily schizophrenia and doing cognitive behavioral therapy in that capacity. So when I had kids, I really just completely shut down the work life for several years. And then as my kids started to be at the age where we would be at playgrounds and play dates and we would be interacting with other kids and seeing very real struggles that other parents had managing their children's behavior and the very real stressors that a lot of families were feeling, it became apparent to me that I did have a set of skills, all derived from my psychology training, that I had intentionally started applying in my parenting and were becoming very effective. And so I had people informally start to reach out for consultations. And then it just continued as the kids got into school. They would pull me aside and say, Hey, I noticed your kids doing this. How do you get them to do that? When my daughter started TK, I had a mom come up to me because we had um a birthday party. So all the kids, she has a September birthday. So all the kids are at the birthday party, relatively new to meeting each other and all the families, and I'm there with all four of my kids, and my husband couldn't make it. And I had a mom come up and say, So how do you do it? What do you mean? We started talking. Just and I told her at some point that I was a psychologist, and she said, Oh, okay, because we all thought that you either beat your kids or you're a drug addict, and that's how you make it. Yeah. Like, wow, that's pretty extreme, but I understand where you're coming from. This is hard. And a lot of people don't feel equipped with the skills to manage motherhood and children's behavior with grace. And it it really is a practiced skill. And I, in my work, and now that I've founded parenting with psychology, my goal is to educate people that parenting is a learned skill and it's not an in-set sort of personality trait. It's very much a learned set of skills. And then if you intentionally focus on learning strategies to use in your parenting, then you can make very meaningful changes in your child's behavior and your family dynamics.

SPEAKER_01 6:00

Okay, there's so much about this I love. One, I love that it's not just behavior, it's also family dynamics because the other thing you said was doing it with grace, which I thought was so beautiful because there are times when I see kids who are quote unquote well behaved, but you can see in their eyes it's fear. It's not respect, it's not that it was learned, it's that they have a strict, you know, upbringing that this is expected or else, you know? And so it's like you can tell, you can tell when a child feels feels safe and loved versus coerced or manipulated or guilted. And so I love that the approach is like we're gonna do this with love, we're gonna build this skill. So this is all beautiful. Okay, so let's start with the toddler years. I mean, I suppose babies cry in that, but I think the biggest challenges start in the toddler years. And we've talked about this on the show before. I love tantrums. I give me a tantrum any day. And coming from me, this is huge because those types of emotions would overwhelm me. But I have learned and taught myself that those are the moments when they are their most vulnerable. And so once the storm passes, we can actually talk and connect and have um a teaching moment, you know. Um, so tell me about tantrums. How do you handle them? How do you instruct parents to handle them and any wisdom there?

SPEAKER_00 7:25

Yeah, well, I love what you just said, that you really embrace that as a moment where they've lost control and that you have this opportunity then to step in and handle that in a loving way. And a lot of what you're saying is just education, just teaching parents. So the first and foremost, um, we before you can even focus on a specific behavior like a tantrum, I like to educate parents on just an overarching concept of parenting style. So, what parenting style are you going to use? And you alluded to an authoritarian parenting style where kids are taught through shame and blame and fear tactics and yelling, they're taught to behave. And that is an effective parenting style in the short term that will get you good behavior when you're in the room. But when you're not in the room, when your child's down the road, they're not going to know how to behave appropriately and they're not going to have that self-efficacy to feel confident in making choices on their own. Uh, and more most importantly, that sort of um authoritarian parenting strategy completely erodes the parent-child relationship. So if you want a child who's going to be coming home to you after college and be excited to spend time with you, or a child who's going to ask you to babysit their kids when they become a parent, that's not going to come from an authoritarian parenting style. And so, and this is not speculation, this is decades of psychology research. So you hear lots of terms thrown out in social media like helicopter parenting, bulldozer parenting, tiger mom. Those are all interesting terms that can relate to a specific parenting style. But when we really look at the research and we look at thousands of studies over huge amounts of parents across cultures, across different ages, across dynamics of all sorts, it comes down to four parenting styles. And so one is authoritarian parenting, which is not associated with the best outcomes. One is permissive parenting. So that's at the opposite end of the spectrum. And so you hear you have parents who are more interested in keeping their kids happy and pleasing them and maintaining that relationship, but they don't feel comfortable enforcing any boundaries and they're not guiding their kids on the right trajectory. And so these kids don't always learn appropriate social behavior. They're not always as well liked, and they don't learn limits and they don't learn self-regulation because they're rarely told no. So that's permissive parenting. Uh, the next one is not very common. It's neglectful parenting. We can kind of skip over that one. Obviously, that's not a good one. And so it leaves you with the fourth kind, which is the tried and true gold standard across all these studies, always comes out as the one that creates the best behavior in the short term and the best outcomes in the long run. And that's everything from academics to social to um uh mental health. So many different trajectories that your child can go on are going to be improved if you use what's called an authoritative parenting style. That term I just do not like. It's too similar to authoritarian. So I stopped using it in my coaching. I call it amazing parenting. So that's why you'll see you'll hear, you'll see on my website and all my social media, amazing parenting. It's just replacing that term authoritative parenting. And so that's the long little introduction to your question about tantrums. So you going into any behavior that you want to talk about, like tantrums, we need to come from that place of what is authoritative parenting. And so this is balancing warmth with structure. So the structure, the high expectations, the demands you place on your child, those are all reasonable, but they need to be balanced with warmth. If we don't have the expectations, then we're too permissive. If we don't have the warmth, then we're too authoritarian. So we need the balance to find that sweet spot of amazing parenting. So when you have a child with a tantrum, your instinct might be to say, stop crying, or what's wrong with you? You're fine, you're fine. Exactly, exactly. Or rush over, oh sweet, oh my gosh, what can I do to help? Oh, this is terrible. And so both of those extremes are not going to be helpful in this situation. So when you have a child who's tantruming, they are at a very heightened emotional state. Their nervous system is has just gone offline, it's completely dysregulated. And so they're very much being activated by their sympathetic nervous system. It's a fight or flight response. These big emotions have overtaken. And when when I talk about fight or flight, people get a little confused because they say, well, it's not like there's a danger there. It's not like the saber-toothed tiger is attacking them. Why is their nervous system going offline? Well, it's because these emotions are so big that they feel a threat. They say, I don't, I'm so I don't know what's going on. I'm so upset. I I can't control it. And so it's the emotions are so big that they feel scared and they feel overwhelmed. And so they melt down and they cry and they hit and they yell and all those very unpleasant things for parents to experience. They're heart-wrenching, but they're also unpleasant. So the way you deal with that first is education. So you know what authoritative or amazing parenting is, you understand what's going on in the tantrum, and you say, okay, now I need to step in in this way that balances warmth and boundaries. So connection first, always connection before correction. So in a tantrum, you go in and you want to model for them the calm that their nervous system needs to take on. And so, especially in those younger years, we're talking about tantrum. So, co-regulation is a big thing for this age group. They have not yet learned to regulate their own emotions. So they need to borrow from your nervous system. So you come in with your calm, everything from your facial expression to your tone of voice, your softened shoulders, your gentle touch. And when you bring these to your child in a tantrum, they can absorb some of that calm from you and helps them to then calm down a little bit faster on their own. And that's in contrast to coming in and saying, just stop crying or you're being ridiculous. And so if you come in instead with that calm and sit and you can meet them where they're at, oh gosh, I see how upsetting that was for you. And so you match them with that initial comment of, oh yeah, big emotions. You don't have to have a big reaction, you're just matching their big emotions. And then you bring them down as much as possible with your calm response. And not till later, when their thinking brain is back online. And when they're more regularly, you can talk about it. Exactly.

SPEAKER_01 14:37

Okay, so I love this. And there are times when I have been able to be calm and enter the situation, but because it does trigger me, sometimes I would have to leave and say, You're having a lot of big emotions. Mommy's just gonna step away. But when you're ready to talk, we'll hug and we'll talk about it. And then I would just, unless they're gonna hurt a sibling or somebody else, I would have to go take a breath and then come back in toward the end. Um, and then the other thing that I thought one thing that helped me that I think what you were just saying is kind of similar. I would, once the the tantrum was on the tail end, I would pick them up and take them to a new location, like outside. We would go watch cars and we would just sit and hug. And then when I could feel all the tension leaving, then we would have the talk. But it was like having something outdoors, sunshine, something to look at other than being in that space that, you know, held the emotion was so helpful for me. Are there any other tips that you would give for parents going through, especially parents who are triggered and it's like, I get what you're saying, but I cannot regulate myself in these emotion in these situations.

SPEAKER_00 15:44

Yeah, a hundred percent. And just to acknowledge your approach is completely valid. And I've done that many times myself to remove yourself from the situation because it can be so triggering. And occasionally there are kids who really do better with some separation. Okay. This kind of circles back to this concept of time out. And I what what you're describing is, I think, a better way to use the concept of timeout. So rather than saying you have big emotions, you need to calm down, go sit on this step or in this chair or in this corner and have a timeout, instead of that, which I think isolates children and teaches them, hey, big emotions are bad. They're removing me from the situation when I have these emotions. I need to stop having these. So instead of doing that, you're acknowledging it's okay that you're having these emotions. It's just having a big impact on me right now. So I'm making a choice for myself and I'm gonna step away. And so, like you said, as long as they're safe, they're in an environment where they're not gonna hurt themselves or somebody else, then it's okay to step away if you cannot stay grounded. It's much better for you to step away than to start yelling at them and shaming them for having those big emotions. And what you're teaching them is an effective uh motion regulation strategy of removing yourself from a secretion when it's too much. So you're modeling for them a really effective strategy by using it yourself. And then you come back in, making sure that you feel calm enough to stay composed, and then you talk more with them and you can calm them if they're not calm yet, or maybe it's time for that um check-in. So I love that you talked about taking them to a new situation, getting a fresh perspective, going outside is always great, absolutely. Um, and then talking it through and really once they're calm, we're identifying, hey, what's going on there? It's totally okay. You had all those big emotions, but what can we do to help next time so that we can catch them before they get so big? And so trying to do some problem solving, some planning ahead, talking about coping strategies. So, gosh, I know what you're talking about when you know when little brother hits me, I get pretty upset too. And I don't know if this would work for you, but here's something that works for me. And then you talk about coping strategies that work for you. So the parents I work with, we have a whole list of coping strategies that you can teach your kids. A very similar but modified list you can use on yourself. And so maybe you say, you know what, I like to do is take one deep breath. When brother hits me and I feel like I want to hit him back, I would just take one deep breath. And then I would say, Do I still want to hit him or is there a better way to handle this? And depends on the age of your kid. You know, your two-year-old, it's gonna be a little hard to have a conversation, your four-year-old, they're gonna be a little closer to understanding, okay, we can take that beat. And so there are different strategies you can use at different ages, but helping them to know there's not one fix-it strategy for everybody, for every tantrum. And so you have to try different ones in different moments. And like I mentioned, different kids have different strategies too.

SPEAKER_01 18:45

Wow. You know, the one thing that surprised me with so I we're on number three now, but the first two had this odd reaction at the end of a tantrum, they would, it was like shame and guilt. And they would say, You're not gonna love me anymore, you're gonna leave me. And that would be the time when we would say, There is nothing you can do that would make me not love you. If you allow these emotions to cause you to make a bad choice, we'll have a consequence for that choice. But you're never gonna get in trouble for an emotion and we're never gonna stop loving you. But it was just really shocking to me that like shame was the immediate. Do you see that a lot?

SPEAKER_00 19:20

Or oh, you do yeah, yeah, that's not uncommon because if you go back to them feeling overwhelmed, the what the tantrum is just a complete state of overwhelm. And they think that they let you down somehow by getting to this point. And so it's not uncommon for a child to then feel like you might abandon them or you might get angry with them. And so I love the way that you phrased that. So we will always love and support you and be there for you, and you will always be an integral part of our family. The specific behaviors and choices you make, those are things we may need to talk about at some point. Um, but you are always going to be valued, and that is such an important concept in my coaching. And it dates back to psychologist Carl Rogers, and he used the term unconditional positive regard. And so it's this view, this non-judgmental view of your child as always a core valued member of your family, regardless of their behavior. And then you can talk to people kids and people in general. You can use Carl Rogers first started using this concept in therapy, but now it can be broadly applied. So you can talk to people about their behaviors and coach them on behaviors, but they are always wonderful, meaningful people. I love that.

SPEAKER_01 20:37

A tangible way that I've found to talk about this as they're older. Now they don't have tantrums, but I've still seen little bits of shame here and there. I will tell them, you know what? If somebody burned down my house, I'd find another way to buy a house. If somebody took all our money, I'd find a way to make money. If somebody took you, I could never replace you. There's only one you. And so then in their mind, it's like, oh, I am more valuable. Like there's no no other me. And so that's been really helpful. But let's, oh, thank you. I love it too. They're so sweet when when they like realize their value. It's like, oh, it's so fulfilling. But let's fast forward a few years. I know a lot of parents who are in the I say it's eight o'clock, my kid says it's 7.58. Where it's like they are come, they are coming at back with, you know, an answer for everything. And you say, well, we can't do that because of this. And they say, Well, actually, we can't, you know, what? And it's not always, it's talking back, I guess, but it's not always coming from a bad place or a malicious place. But I know, even for me, it's really like just because I said it, you know, and so it's really frustrating. So, how do you handle those situations when it's, you know, anywhere from benign to malicious?

SPEAKER_00 21:54

Uh-huh. Uh-huh. And so so it's more of that nitpeeky phase where you're going through.

SPEAKER_01 22:00

And you're going to be able to do that. Constantly like coming back at you.

SPEAKER_00 22:04

Yep. Yep. That's a tricky one. I definitely have some kids who are in that phase too. So that is going to follow along with a strategy that I call social skills training that you can start from the moment your child starts talking. And so when they do or say things that are not in line with what you anticipate they will be doing or saying as adults, then you can pick and choose your battles, but you can offer gentle corrective guidance. And so it starts when they're younger. It starts with if you have multiple children and usually starts with fighting in the home. And so they're fighting, you go in, you break it up, and you say, okay, well, let's tell, let's get some perspective here. You know, what happened? Try to get something objective. Oh, okay, so what could you have done differently? And okay, let's practice that. Next time, if so and so does that again, you're gonna do that. So it starts in those early years. And then by the time they're older, they're already trained in this concept of analyzing situations. And so when if you then say to them, hey, you know, when you said that, it just came off as kind of prickly to me, or depending on what it is, or it came off as kind of disrespectful. And so you can use your interpretation of it and explain, you know, this is how I viewed it. But that's really what you're trying to teach them is how the world is going to interact with them. And so when they're older, you want them to have successful interactions with the world. And so you're you're giving them this social feedback as a sort of training method of just like, hey, they maybe we could try it differently. What if you were to say this? And then then they are like, okay, yeah, or maybe they suggest an alternative. Okay, you come to some consensus, and then okay, well, let's let's just try that, let's practice that. Okay, and then let's make a redo. Um, so try again is one of my favorite strategies, and you can use that at all ages. That's nice, yeah. Yeah. And so just they do something that kind of just prickles you, and you that's a great moment to try again. It doesn't have to be a huge lecture, just a little feedback and a little, okay, let's just try that again, but in a more respectful tone.

SPEAKER_01 24:10

I love that. And I I love too that you said you can pick and choose your battles. I think a lot of times we feel like we have to correct everything. And we and I find myself even like, I feel like I'm swinging way on the overbearing. And so just in, you know, trying to be aware of it, I'm like, I'm gonna let this one go, or I'm just gonna let this one slide. I don't want them to think that I'm analyzing and judging every single behavior. Um, so now let's go a little, a few more years ahead. Tweens now in our house, we're not doing phones, we're not doing social media, but they are still having more and more freedoms and they are with us less during the week than they are not with us. And so how do you set them up for success when they're gonna be out there making their own choices? And and one thing I should, I guess I should insert here is like I have a philosophy of bring it to me, don't hide it from me. We'll talk about everything. And so if it's cursing, if it's this, that, the other, um, I I try not to act shocked when they tell me, you know, my friend said this word or did this on the playground or whatever. And then I'm like, okay, what do you think about that? And that's not something we would do. And they're like, yeah, oh no, not at all. But um oh gosh, but to be like, what a second grader. I'm like, try to be calm and be like, well, what were your thoughts about that? Um, but yeah, what do you say? Because you're you can't be with them, you can't watch them all the time. How do you trust that they're making good choices?

SPEAKER_00 25:40

Yeah, that's a good question. And uh I love I love how you described that process of reacting to this sometimes shocking news. I kind of think of it as being like a news reporter, just kind of keeping that steady tone. It's just like, oh, okay, that happened. Huh? And then what happened? Okay, and that's gathering information. That's good. Yeah. Yeah. Um, because as they get older, more and more of these things happen and they're exposed to so much, and you can't control it. So there are two strategies that I like to use from much earlier that help set kids up for that stage. And then beyond that, having that open line of communication is going to be your best strategy. So that's perfect. Just keep it open, make sure it's non-judgmental, they know they can come to you with anything, and then honesty is much better than any issue they could ever actually tell you about. So backtracking the two strategies. So when we find that sweet spot of amazing parenting and you're balancing warmth with boundaries, that involves using some consequences. And so here's where parents who are trained in this gentle parenting mindset sometimes run into issues. It's like, wait, I thought, I thought we weren't supposed to punish our kids. So it's different. Consequences are enforcing reasonable, loving boundaries that are designed to teach your children and keep them on the right trajectory. And so they're not harsh punishments, they're not reactive, they are thoughtful, intentional, calmly stated and followed through on consequences. And so when you use consequences in your parenting from really the first time your child takes a step, when you use them effectively, then your children learn to make better decisions. And it can be as simple as starting with the shoe issue, right? Okay, I need you to put your shoes on, you don't want to. Okay, I need you to put your shoes on right now so we're not late. If you cannot do it yourself, I will do it for you. And then you give them a chance to do it. If they don't, you say, okay, I'm going to help you put your shoes on. That's a consequence. That's not a harsh punishment, that's a consequence. And so you put your shoes on the shoes on for them. And they learn that when you state very clearly a choice, that they have the ability to make the good choice and just do it. And when that happens, time and time again, every week, every month, every year, your child's learning to make the better choices. And it's it can be small stuff like, oh, hey, remember when I asked you to do the dishes earlier? I don't see the dishwasher emptied. So you can do it now, or we can skip screen time this afternoon. That's another consequence. And that's when they're learning, okay, mom asked me to do it. I really need to do it. So that process really over time starts to ingrain the concept of making good choices. The second thing that I wanted to mention though is I like to proactively teach kids to make good choices in stressful situations. And so me too. Challenge them. Oh, I love it. So your child is going to be exposed to things maybe even beyond your wildest dreams, or maybe you've been exposed to a lot. But what I actively have parents do in my program is something called a good choices talk. And so at regular intervals, there's a whole list of things to talk to your kids about. Everything from drug-related to sex related to safety related to just being a caring friend, all these different choices that we might at some point in our lives have to make. And there's a whole list, you don't go through them every time, but um often we'll do it when we're in the car. So we'll driving somewhere. I've got all the kids. Hey guys, good choice or bad choice, shining a laser pointer into the sky, bad choice. Turns out that's actually a federal offense if you uh do that and it hits an airplane. So gosh. Which I never would have known until somebody told me about. And so this good choices talk is an opportunity to just open their minds to some of the things they may have never thought about and to practice making good choices in a non-stressful environment so that then when they actually are in that stressful environment, they'll say, Oh, wait a second. Johnny's telling me to shine this laser pointing, but I've heard something about that. Oh yeah, bad choice. Don't do it, Johnny.

SPEAKER_01 29:55

And that's like a fun, a fun game ish, gamifying way to do it. I also love too that you said as you do this, they're learning that skill of making choices, but you as a parent are learning how to incorporate discipline into everyday situations. Because I think it's it honestly does take. And one of my favorite books is Positive Discipline by Jane Nelson. And she talks about that where it's like you can take the emotion out of it when you just are consistent and you say, okay, it's this or this is the consequence. If they don't do it, then you give the consequence. You don't have to scream, you don't have to cry, you can just enforce the consequence. And I know parents who are like, but how are you consistent? And I love what you said. It's a muscle, it's a skill that you're building every time. Let's put on the shoes. Either you do it and you're giving them choices. So they're thinking about it. Um, but I love that it's building a skill for them and it's building a skill for you. And the other thing you talked about too is punishment, which I think there's such a disconnect between discipline and punishment. I think discipline we sometimes see as, you know, a timeout, a spanking, uh, you know, a punishment versus learning a skill. And what discipline really is, is being aware of and cognizant of our choices and making good choices even when it doesn't feel good or when we want to make the opposite choice. So it's like, you know, shaping and molding and helping them to get there is discipline. And it doesn't have to be so dramatic. Whereas a lot of times it's like we get to our breaking point and then we're screaming and we're yelling. And I think probably I'm not there yet, but the teenage years are probably where a lot of that comes in. So talk to me about that when it's like full-on ignoring you or disdain or disrespect or you know, breaking, like how do you handle some of the bigger, the bigger challenges?

SPEAKER_00 31:56

Well, the beautiful part is when you start using this amazing parenting approach early and you balance that warmth with structure and you do consistently use consequences, not all, not everything. You definitely want to pick your battles. There's a ratio that's recommended. So, but when you do this from early on, you are going to find that the teen years are markedly easier than you ever would have guessed. And so because yes, your child has first of all formed a strong connection with you and they want to please you, they want to do right things. Yeah, they want to live up to your expectations and maintain that connection. Secondly, you have trained them to make good choices and be respectful. And so you're not going to run into as many of those problems to start with. Now, that's not to say your kids never gonna do anything wrong, but you've also trained them that you're there for them, you will listen and never judge them. You can teach them to make different choices, but you're never going to judge them so they know they can come to you with those issues, so they're gonna come to you earlier rather than when something really bad has already happened. So that's another point. And then part of the program that I teach kids parents to use with their kids is also really being respectful of their developmental milestones and what I call them checkpoints. And part of that is really just understanding what's normal at different ages. And for teens who are experiencing a huge urge to become independent, but still feeling confined by being under your roof, still being in constant contact with their younger siblings, what have you, that it's very normal to have a lot of emotion and every day to feel um a little overwhelmed in the state that they're in. And so it's okay for them to be a little testy. And that if parents go in knowing, hey, this is a tough transition point for them, I'm gonna cut them some slack. And if you go in knowing that, then you're also gonna just run into fewer of those parent-child standoff moments. That's incredible. So all those things together, the teenures can be, I dare say, a breeze if you start using these strategies early. Doesn't mean you can't start them using using them later and see positive effects. It's just a little more challenging.

SPEAKER_01 34:19

Yeah, it's always the earlier the better. Um, gosh, I love that because there's, I don't know if you know, um, the CNN anchor Soledad O'Brien was on the show and she was like, I love the teenage years. I could do a whole episode on the teenage years. And I've talked to other moms who are like, oh, those are my favorite years. Like that's when I felt the most connected to my kids. And so I love changing the narrative of what teenage years have to be or should be or, you know, are expected to be. Um, and so that's just really, really good. Also, I loved that you were saying it's okay if they need space, if they're feeling this pull. I right now I have a son who's turning 11 this year, and his little brother's turning eight. And so, whereas, you know, their whole childhoods, they were so close in age and they played together, I'm starting to see the pull where the older brother gets really frustrated, annoyed.

SPEAKER_00 35:13

A kid, and the other one's still a little kid.

SPEAKER_01 35:15

Still a little. And so it's like more and more. I'm like, I used to, we used to just correct the behavior over and over. And I was like, I actually think he does need space. Like they share a room. And so I've told him in the weekend, on the weekends, you know, if you're feeling like you need space from your brother, go grab a graphic novel and go sit in dad's office and lay on the couch. Or like you can have that space whenever you need it to take some time away from everybody. And so he's like, okay, and he has everything he needs down there. So I'm like more and more trying to um have grace with him because I get that he's in a different space now. Uh, and that way kind of hopefully preserve their relationship. So, one of the other things I wanted to ask you, my husband and I, when we kind of crafted our parenting philosophy, we did it with an end goal in mind, which I don't know that parents do. And for us, it was, and we heard this from other close friends who have adult children, but it is that they will choose to want to be with us even when they don't have to be with us. And so we try to balance, you know, the the how harsh the correction is or, you know, the boundaries and all that with, like you were saying, maintaining the warmth. But my question is more about the end goal. How important is that? And do you think parents are thinking that far ahead? Or I mean, do we have those goals? Should we have those goals?

SPEAKER_00 36:42

Oh, 100%. I think some are, perhaps not all. But um, I think it's very important to think about that, if nothing else, just to validate the concept of, hey, I really need to put intention into how I'm treating my child right now. Because if you don't have that end goal in mind, it's harder to realize, hey, I want to go. You might be more tempted to go for the quick win. And it's harder to realize, hey, no, I need to take the slightly more energy consuming approach here, and I need to approach this with warmth and compassion, right? Because we're exhausted as parents most of the time and often completely spent. So to take that extra mental energy or that extra few minutes to uh de-escalate a tantrum as opposed to just saying, stop crying, we need to leave right now, it takes it takes effort. And so I always want to acknowledge for parents that the work that they're putting into intentional parenting. And I think it's much easier to motivate yourself to put in that work if you have the long-term goal in mind. So I think it's perfect that you have that long-term goal. And I definitely encourage all parents in my program to think in that way because it will motivate you in the moment to choose to respond rather than just react.

SPEAKER_01 38:01

Yeah. And actually, I have noticed that once, because I and I've talked about this before, I was the worst parent. Like the first 18 months of my son's life were just chaotic. And then my husband was like, we need to figure this out. And so between talking to mom friends, reading every book I could get my hands on, practicing strategies with my child, I've gone front into what I call, you know, I'm a good mom, you know, I wouldn't say I'm perfect, but I'm like, we've made huge strides. And the biggest thing to me is the connection that I feel really connected to all my kids. Um, but like you were saying, having that goal, honestly, it's like day to day, if I see that as the picture of where we're going, then it's like, is how I'm treating him gonna help me get there? Yes or no. On the flip side though, sometimes that can make me want to get into permissive parenting because I'm like, oh, but I want them to like me. And I have to remind myself they still need structure, they still need boundaries. And I try to slip the other way. But um, but anyway, it's oh man, it's such a balancing act. I know there's yes, tell me.

SPEAKER_00 39:07

Okay, so one thing you can do if you find yourself thinking, oh, well, maybe I should go the other way, is add a second question to your little thought here. Okay. So your parenting philosophy. Not just will they want to spend time with me, but will I want to spend time with them?

SPEAKER_01 39:26

Ooh, oh, that gave me goosebumps. That's so good.

SPEAKER_00 39:30

That'll help you find that balance because they're not gonna want to spend time with you if you're too punitive, and you're not gonna want to spend time with them if you don't have to. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 39:41

Now, I know we can't cover everything, but is there anything that you want to touch on that we haven't covered yet?

SPEAKER_00 39:46

Oh gosh, we've covered so much good stuff. I'm really so excited. Um, I would would love to just share with your audience that there are some really just foundational strategies that you can use to make a huge impact in your parenting. And so I don't think we've touched yet on the five C's parenting framework. We haven't. So um, so all of my work is centered around these five core pieces of parenting. And I thought long and hard after I started coaching all these parents, before I put together my full program, I started thinking about where are the areas where you can put that energy, because we have a limited supply of parenting energy. Where can you put that energy and really make meaningful progress on your relationship and your child's behavior? And so it comes down to five. So communication. How are you actually speaking to your child? The words, the tone, the style, and there's a lot that goes into that. So communication, consistency, very consistent in how you interact with them and the structure that you have throughout your day, everything from meals to bedtime. Consistency is key. And then choices and checkpoints. This is the choices that you're allowing your child to make, which should be lots. There's really not that many important things that you need to enforce upon them. That's when you use those consequences. If it's a really important choice, use those consequences. But otherwise, let them have autonomy by giving them choice. And the checkpoints part is those developmental milestones that do help you to know what kind of choices to give your child, age-appropriate choices, consequences. We already touched on how important those are. And then check yourself. You know, what mental state am I in? Do I need to do some problem solving? Do I need to remember my parenting philosophy? How can I approach this situation in a way that's going to lead to a better outcome? Maybe it's stepping away from the tantrum, for example, but checking yourself. And so when parents get intentional in those five C's, then they can really see meaningful change in their family dynamics.

SPEAKER_01 41:53

Oh, I love that. And so using these strategies, have you found that peace and harmony are possible in your family? Does it feel a lot better to you to use these?

SPEAKER_00 42:05

Oh, absolutely. Yeah, peace and harmony. And for parents, so the family dynamic becomes more peaceful and harmonious. The parents' mindset changes when you start using these strategies because you start to feel more calm and confident in your parenting. When you go in without a formal approach, without a system, it's kind of pulling on what your parents did with you or what just feels natural, or maybe you saw some character on TV doing this strategy, or maybe you read an Instagram, watched an Instagram tip or read a book or something, and you're trying to remember all this random information or just doing what comes naturally, and it never feels coherent and it never feels quite right. And so by having the five C's parenting framework, it gives parents a system that they can call upon in those stressful moments. And so it helps to bring calm in that way and confidence in that way.

SPEAKER_01 43:00

I love that you use the word system because I do believe, yes, it's a muscle, but we are operating on autopilot so much of the time because we're taking in so much stimuli. So the more that we can create systems, the more that we can just click into those systems, right? Versus, I know a lot of parents who feel just at the whim and like, oh, I should have done this, but I didn't because this. And it's like if you have those systems in place, you don't have to think. It kind of does the thinking for you. And so I love that you used that. Okay. The other thing, you mentioned a ratio of uh pick your battles. There's a ratio. What is that ratio?

SPEAKER_00 43:40

Yes. So generally it's pretty universally accepted in parenting. There's an 80 20 ratio. So if you look at your day's worth of interactions with that specific child, you want to have 80% or more. So at least eight out of 10 of those interactions being neutral to positive. So anything from time for dinner to wow, how did you come up with that color for the trees? So anything in that in that range, 80% of your interactions. So only 20% of your interactions or less, two out of every 10 are going to be falling more in that negative range of teaching a different behavior or giving that social feedback so that you can guide them to do things differently in the future. And again, there's you're still coming at it from a point of unconditional positive regard. It's not negative critical, but it has that negative teaching connotation, which tends to be more salient, emotionally salient. You know, if you look back on your day, you more easily recall incidents that have a negative value to them. It's just the way that our brains work, it's a way that we attribute our focus. And so we need to be aware of that and mindful of that as parents so that we make sure only two out of every 10 interactions are going to be more in that constructive criticism type teaching moment. And so that's just a helpful um ratio for parents to keep in mind when they're deciding, hey, is this worth the fight today? And so if you have a child who's having a lot of unwanted behaviors, it can be tough to keep in that range. And what you want to do is prioritize the target behaviors. And so things like uh hitting, any physical violence are going to be a top priority. After that, then you can get into things like disrespect. And you can come down so that one day then you're talking about very small manners type things, but you have to pick your battles. You can't get on them for everything that they're doing wrong. Otherwise, it will be completely deflating and demoralizing for them. And the research shows that families that have greater than 20% of their daily interactions focusing on negative, that those families have more unwanted behaviors. So it actually has the opposite effect.

SPEAKER_01 46:03

That's so good to know. Right when you said ratio, I was like, ooh, tell me what's the ratio. Yeah, that's okay. That's amazing. So we are getting to the end, but before we do our last little thing, will you tell everybody where to find you, where to learn more, and get connected with some of your courses?

SPEAKER_00 46:19

Yes, sure thing. So I'm at dr Lindsay Emerson on all my socials, and then my website is drlindsayamerson.com. And I would love to share a free resource with all of your viewers and listeners if they are interested in learning more about this concept of amazing parenting. I have a free downloadable resource at drlencyamerson.com forward slash better that teaches five foundational strategies that can really get you started today.

SPEAKER_01 46:46

Oh, that's amazing. I will definitely put all of that in the show notes. Okay, Dr. Emerson, on my show, prior to my guests coming on, I spend a week praying for them and praying over them. And I don't know how religious or spiritual you are, but as I pray for them, if I hear anything, I share it at the end of the show. And I did hear something for you. Is it okay if I share it with you? Okay. So in the right when I was praying, I was like, is this a professional word or a personal word? And it felt like both. And it was a book, but it was sharing your own parenting journey and experience and struggles as well as expertise. Um, but it wasn't like uh a clinical guide. It wasn't, it was like a fun read, like something that a mom would want to pick up and read, super relatable, but also helpful. Um so then the other things, oh yeah, I actually saw the book. It was tan and it was like a tangible paperback. So it was like something I wanted to pick up and read. Uh, and then the last thing I heard be consistent, find a rhythm in writing, and you will have fun, you will have as much fun writing it as they will have reading it.

SPEAKER_00 47:58

So that's what I heard for you. Yeah. Well, thank you for sharing. Who knows what's in my future? Oh, if you write a book, I will be the first to read it. Oh, thank you. I definitely am planning to write the five C's to Amazing Parenting, so you can look for that in the book.

SPEAKER_01 48:13

Oh, great. Oh, that's amazing. Okay. Well, thank you so much for being on today. I so appreciate your time.

SPEAKER_00 48:20

Oh, thank you so much for having me. This has been lovely and great to get to speak with your audience.

SPEAKER_01 48:25

Oh, amazing. All right. Thank you, Dr. Emerson. Take care. Bye. This has been the Dead Mother Podcast. Remember, new episodes drop every Tuesday. If you enjoyed today's episode, please leave a review. It really does help. Special thanks to Jose Cerna for our theme music and Katie Legou for our cover art.